“Even though I walk through the darkest valley, or the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me, your rod and staff they comfort me.”
Psalms 23:4
Darkness manifests itself as a heavy, hopeless pit. I have been taken captive by darkness multiple times. You too can retrieve memories from dark days. Darkness overpowers the light that elusively remains out of reach.
“For You, O Lord, are my lamp; The Lord illumines and dispels my darkness.” II Samuel 22:29
The duration and intensity of dark days varies from days to months. Major depressive disorder has attacked my life multiple times. Those dark, oppressive days felt never-ending. Darkness became intolerably dark. Mental pain and torment reached the max. Ending my life became my only hope for relief. Two plans swirled around in my brain for hours. I could not garner the courage to complete either one.
Your rod and staff, Lord did not comfort me. You have not illuminated or dispelled my darkness like you said you would. Thoughts of hope were illusive and unattainable. Multiple professionals, family and friends sought to bring me relief. Psychiatric hospitalizations, multiple medicine trials brought partial relief. A final hospitalization, one last medicine change and electro-convulsive therapy (ECT’s) began to restore chemical balance. After several months, I began to experience a mustard-seed ray of light! Is this actually happening, will it last? Oh please, God, let it be true!
Light-filled days continued. Oh, how grateful I was. Each day brought ever increasing rays of light! Hindsight affords me the opportunity to see valuable lessons learned during my days of darkness.
I have no answer as to why the darkness was so long and hopeless. I trust that each day I remained alive, there was a reason. A reason I could not follow through with ending my life. Each day there were professionals, family and friends working to bring light and hope into my body. By persevering in the darkness, rays of light filtered into my mind and spirit. Walking through the darkest valley, which felt like the valley of death, was a horribly uncomfortable place to exist. When hope, trust and feeling God’s presence eluded me, He used others to minister to me. “Nothing could separate me from the love of Christ” Romans 8:35.
“Even though I walk through the darkest valley, or the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me, your rod and staff they comfort me.” Psalms 23:4
